2 days in retrospect

5/16

I woke up so late today 3:00 (OMG) watched the Nanny and about mid way thru the golden girls I decided to hop in the shower and start my day, after that fred(my roomate) and I decided to go bowling with some good freinds of ours, being as it was a birthday for one of them. but they wanted to go out and eat first and we didn't want to wait around to go, needless to say we got there and waited cause i didn't want to start bowling without them. but on a side note my dearest reader/ journal keep in mind please that I am not writting this for you, I am doing the writting for me, and sometimes you may read something that you don't agree with, just because you don't like what you read doesn't mean you have to take it laying down if you have a thought post it at the bottom of the journal or shit if you have my number call my ass up and tell me about it!! and with out further adue, on the way to the ally...I started reflecting, ALOT. I was up alot last night, I had a really bad feeling about grant, SO SO SO worried, lol I thought he was in trouble or something cause THIS IS A PERSON WHO 98% Of the time Answers his phone even if he can't talk, he will tell you so!! anyway he called a lil later and come to find out he had the phone on silent instead of vibrate or something like that and forgot about it...needless to say I worried for nothing, we talked for about 15 min and I went right to sleep. For some Odd reason, And I know this sounds weird, but I feel so alive now, now that I have something that is worth caring about and not pursuing but just being there for him when he needs me and visa versa, its amazing what dedication that can instill in someone, I wonder what an actually healthy realationshiop feels like? and on that note I will say not being able to see him and yet feeling so close to him is making me go out of my mind. Anyway He called during the Nanny, just as soon as I txtd him, he started a new job and is havinga great day so far. I am So grateful that he is having a good day, with all the emotional stress and the daily factors that he deals with MY GOD ITS ABOUT TIME!! Its funny cause I mean I see him as something constant and I am always seeing him in a new light, just as I know he see's me in a diffrent light with each day that goes by. I have always and I mean ALWAYS even before we met, I have seen him as someone so much stronger then me, intelectually, and yes emotional in some area's BUT I see him as weak as well, not weak in the sense that he can't manage by himself but weak in the way that only i can understand in my own mind and I really can't put onto paper or screen, cause its hard but I shall try, in fact as this journal goes on you shall see what i mean. He talks to me about alot, and he trusts me with so much info, Hevan help me if I ever Loose that trust. because he is constant in my life andhe is the only thing right now in my life that is constant, even you to you who are reading this, you have to admit we don't talk outside of email we never see eachother and we the times we do talk on the phone it is so short that it pisses me off lol i am tempted to change the URL on this thing so you can't see it anymore. but anyway I called my mom today, she didn't answer the phone, my aunt was supposed to come into town sometime during the weekend cause my dad/her parents didn't have time for her till later on in the week, i don't know the details but all i know is that my mom and her don't get along cause one end of the family being the shaw side, my dad and his sisters and parents are veign, they are rich snobs and when i say rich, i am talking about people who have the abbility to help me thru a good part of schooling and i am talking law school and they are so tight about it if you were to shove a peice of coal up there ass a dimond would pop out. but they look down on my side of the family cause we are kind and we don't worry so much about looks, yeah we look ok,but i mean its not our priority, our priority is the family/ the kids, education things like that, not material things. yeah my parents live in a comfterble home yeah i am a trust fund baby, but i mean these people are monsters at times, i mean I feel like I have to help my mom walk backwords out of a room at times cause of the daggers. anyway I wonder which of them Made it thru the night?? anyway My game sucked, 61 average, oh well im just gonna lie and say that I was good at bowling at one point in my life but i gave it up for sex cause the balls can still be big but are considerably smaller still and i don't have to change shoes lol. its 8:30 on the 15th still, and grant is due to call and the song ADDICTED is playing on the radio.(how Apprapo) I really hope he callshe might not know it, but I highly doubt it, I MISS him dearly, his warm smile, his compassion, his kind word and his sweet sweet presence. he knows me inside out and I am not going to admit it, lol which I guess I just did, and I know him But not enuf..because what is enuf when you are freinds or lovers? you are always changing views and angles just like a photoagrapher taking his time, to capture the best moment in time, so that true beauty can be frozen and rememberd. I get so worried about him however, he doesn't realize it, but he is so vulnerable in a way that is hard to get to but it is still vulnerability, he thinks that he can shut off emotion just as one flicks a switch to cause darkness to sleep. he goes around with blinders on, the people he hangs out with are great people, but at the same time he cares so much, (one thing I admire about him) but he stress's and he gets his feelings hurt, and he never cries..... maybe thats how we can talk about anything and everything, maybe its his way of substitueing, maybe its way of letting me get close, maybe its his way of getting close, so many maybe's But whatever the reason maybe it feels so good to be something contant in someones life, just as the moon hanging in the sky. I have a buisness meeting tommorow, with a rep from whillimina modleing agency; I am so excited about this I have such a good feeling about this, it blends in nicely with everything else right now in my life. I hope Tommorow is as good as today. Grant called, and just as I knew it would, he had a good day, as good as a first day can go. Ill talk to you tommorow my lovelies chaio bello~