Incomplete
Ok, So now that I am back from, OKC, and I am out of medication,Still Infected with staph and Have had some time to think and get more of my life on track, let me update you, First of all the trip went fine, I had a ball, the only thing is that No one there really sparked my interest, Mike did get jealous when we went to the bar, I was Dancing with a guy and well he got mad kinda made a scene, so to get even I went home with the guy, didn't do anything but I wanted him to see that it doesn't matter what he or anyone else will does to influence me, I will do what I want to do. I will dance,Chase,Flirt, And Fall in love with whom I want, NO if's An's or But's...END OF POINT.
anyway, I went and got a part time job a few days ago, Mowing Lawns, one person for now, ecent pay, but this is a small neighbor hood community so she will tell others about me I am shure, I also went and auditioned for a play called COME BLOW YOUR HORN it's set in the 50's in Manhattan, It's about a wealthy Jewish family who is in the wax fruit business, and two brothers and the parents and the boy's girlfriends/ FLINGS....Anyway I could only audition for one part cause I don't look old enough for the other parts, so I am up for the part of the part of buddy, for those of you who don't know the play, its the younger brother/ one of the leads..I hope I get the part.
Yesterday I think was about the worst day I have had in a long time, I cried most of the day, I am so sick of being sick, and I am wanting something more then I have ever had in my life, I have also done alot of thinking about what I want, and it just seems so right, I don't know..I was raised as a jehovah's wittiness, and I agree with most of the teachings, that the religion teaches, its just I want a husband and kids and not a wife.....I know this, I also know that for once in my life, I have someone I can turn to, someone who makes me feel safe, and unstoppable, I have also found the ability to banish the darkness that has been my life for so long, I don't go out to find pleasure in hurtting others, I only want to help. I am back to myself, even without my meds I am not a mean person, I feel incomplete, and I may feel like I am at a loss cause right now I am at a stand still, in a sense, but the only thing that is going to make change is time,
Last night I went and talked to my grandma about a few things cause I was tierd of crying I am in pain cause of the infection that is plaugeing my bodie,....she is a walking pharmecy, so she gave me a vicadin, and we talked about how i was brought up, about my feelings about men and wemon, how My stress level is out of this world, how I am so sick, we even talked about grant... I don't know if anyone realizes how much of a step that is in my world, IN A JW FAMILY U DON"T TALK ABOUT BEING GAY..IT'S TABOO!!
But for once, I got to pour out my heart and sould about how I feel, not only in general but how I feel about someone, and not have her freak out, she didn't even loose her cool, she was sincear, and genuine, She however did want to know what I thought the diffrence about love and lust was, just to see if i knew what being with someone was all about...and I told her.
if you are wondering what I told her, here you go
I told her that lust is getting turnd on whenever you see someone and wanting nothing but sex, you arn't attracted to the person.
whereas a relationship/love, is about companionship, trust, freindship, and doing things together and, talking about everything, not letting it nexxecarily revolve around sex, cause I admit it in a realationship sex is part of the package, but I mean haveing an intelectual conversation, taking the time to get to know someone and what is in there heart.
and she was proud of me for knowing the diffrence, she still isn't happy about my dissision about going after someone of the same sex, but she atlest knows that I am being careful and I am armd with knowlage and truth. yes the heart is a dangerous thing to triful with, but so is the mind, you can talk your self into or out of so many things.
and everyonce in a while your heart will talk you back into it.
trying to go on pretending that something didn't happen or someone never came into your life when in reality it has touched you or has woken up a world, that was once half asleep, is a good thing, I know I tried it, and I couldn't do it. I felt more alone then I had then before anything had ever happend, I was swimming in an ocean all alone, with no life boat or vest to save me. But I decided to not let go of what I wanted and to accknowladge that this person was in my life..for good, weather he wants to be or not, cause I don't think I want to feel that way again, I have to listen to my heart on this one, and follow it, as it guides me down this dark corridoor, I may stumble and fall down a few times, a jagged rock may cut my foot on occasion but i know what is at the end of the darkness, and the reward is worth more then life itself. Some say love is just love, but I dissagree, it is something that everyone needs in there life, I may have love, and I may be able to love, but thats not the love I am talking about. I am talking about the Love that only one person in your life can have, no matter how many ex's you have loved, this person will always have a love greater then those ones who have fallen away out of your life. it's not an extended infatuation, it's not anything but pure Love, that comes complete with Romance and it happens once in a life time.
and you know you are there when you stop looking at other people, you know you are there when you long to hear what they are thinking, you know you are there when you are unhappy with anything but there touch, you are there when you look back at the time that you have spent with them and hear songs on the radio, and no matter the song depending on the category it seems to fit how you feel, you know you are there when you are finding yourself trying to give them space, and letting yourself go insane because you don't want them to feel crowded, you know you are there when you see that person everywhere you go even if they are not there, you know you are there when you wake up in the morning and when you realize that they arn't there you find yourself picking up the phone to see if they have left a message....there are so many ways to tell.
another way to tell you are there...is realizing that the first time you saw them was all you needed, and that the first conversation you had was the closeing of the sale in a sense. I don't know,
I am still taking my time, I am still getting lost in the music and I am still getting life on track, so I may have a small idea, but I don't have the major picture yet. I wish I did. but like i said, I don't
as for what else is going I have gotten a few responses to the resume that I posted on monster.com from some people in portland and also in boise But so far its nothing I can do, selling insurance is not in my list of things to do.....i don't do well at selling things like that, return of the kirby vaccume..lol
anyway peace out my dears
grant I hope you are well, and I'll talk to you all later
anyway, I went and got a part time job a few days ago, Mowing Lawns, one person for now, ecent pay, but this is a small neighbor hood community so she will tell others about me I am shure, I also went and auditioned for a play called COME BLOW YOUR HORN it's set in the 50's in Manhattan, It's about a wealthy Jewish family who is in the wax fruit business, and two brothers and the parents and the boy's girlfriends/ FLINGS....Anyway I could only audition for one part cause I don't look old enough for the other parts, so I am up for the part of the part of buddy, for those of you who don't know the play, its the younger brother/ one of the leads..I hope I get the part.
Yesterday I think was about the worst day I have had in a long time, I cried most of the day, I am so sick of being sick, and I am wanting something more then I have ever had in my life, I have also done alot of thinking about what I want, and it just seems so right, I don't know..I was raised as a jehovah's wittiness, and I agree with most of the teachings, that the religion teaches, its just I want a husband and kids and not a wife.....I know this, I also know that for once in my life, I have someone I can turn to, someone who makes me feel safe, and unstoppable, I have also found the ability to banish the darkness that has been my life for so long, I don't go out to find pleasure in hurtting others, I only want to help. I am back to myself, even without my meds I am not a mean person, I feel incomplete, and I may feel like I am at a loss cause right now I am at a stand still, in a sense, but the only thing that is going to make change is time,
Last night I went and talked to my grandma about a few things cause I was tierd of crying I am in pain cause of the infection that is plaugeing my bodie,....she is a walking pharmecy, so she gave me a vicadin, and we talked about how i was brought up, about my feelings about men and wemon, how My stress level is out of this world, how I am so sick, we even talked about grant... I don't know if anyone realizes how much of a step that is in my world, IN A JW FAMILY U DON"T TALK ABOUT BEING GAY..IT'S TABOO!!
But for once, I got to pour out my heart and sould about how I feel, not only in general but how I feel about someone, and not have her freak out, she didn't even loose her cool, she was sincear, and genuine, She however did want to know what I thought the diffrence about love and lust was, just to see if i knew what being with someone was all about...and I told her.
if you are wondering what I told her, here you go
I told her that lust is getting turnd on whenever you see someone and wanting nothing but sex, you arn't attracted to the person.
whereas a relationship/love, is about companionship, trust, freindship, and doing things together and, talking about everything, not letting it nexxecarily revolve around sex, cause I admit it in a realationship sex is part of the package, but I mean haveing an intelectual conversation, taking the time to get to know someone and what is in there heart.
and she was proud of me for knowing the diffrence, she still isn't happy about my dissision about going after someone of the same sex, but she atlest knows that I am being careful and I am armd with knowlage and truth. yes the heart is a dangerous thing to triful with, but so is the mind, you can talk your self into or out of so many things.
and everyonce in a while your heart will talk you back into it.
trying to go on pretending that something didn't happen or someone never came into your life when in reality it has touched you or has woken up a world, that was once half asleep, is a good thing, I know I tried it, and I couldn't do it. I felt more alone then I had then before anything had ever happend, I was swimming in an ocean all alone, with no life boat or vest to save me. But I decided to not let go of what I wanted and to accknowladge that this person was in my life..for good, weather he wants to be or not, cause I don't think I want to feel that way again, I have to listen to my heart on this one, and follow it, as it guides me down this dark corridoor, I may stumble and fall down a few times, a jagged rock may cut my foot on occasion but i know what is at the end of the darkness, and the reward is worth more then life itself. Some say love is just love, but I dissagree, it is something that everyone needs in there life, I may have love, and I may be able to love, but thats not the love I am talking about. I am talking about the Love that only one person in your life can have, no matter how many ex's you have loved, this person will always have a love greater then those ones who have fallen away out of your life. it's not an extended infatuation, it's not anything but pure Love, that comes complete with Romance and it happens once in a life time.
and you know you are there when you stop looking at other people, you know you are there when you long to hear what they are thinking, you know you are there when you are unhappy with anything but there touch, you are there when you look back at the time that you have spent with them and hear songs on the radio, and no matter the song depending on the category it seems to fit how you feel, you know you are there when you are finding yourself trying to give them space, and letting yourself go insane because you don't want them to feel crowded, you know you are there when you see that person everywhere you go even if they are not there, you know you are there when you wake up in the morning and when you realize that they arn't there you find yourself picking up the phone to see if they have left a message....there are so many ways to tell.
another way to tell you are there...is realizing that the first time you saw them was all you needed, and that the first conversation you had was the closeing of the sale in a sense. I don't know,
I am still taking my time, I am still getting lost in the music and I am still getting life on track, so I may have a small idea, but I don't have the major picture yet. I wish I did. but like i said, I don't
as for what else is going I have gotten a few responses to the resume that I posted on monster.com from some people in portland and also in boise But so far its nothing I can do, selling insurance is not in my list of things to do.....i don't do well at selling things like that, return of the kirby vaccume..lol
anyway peace out my dears
grant I hope you are well, and I'll talk to you all later
posted by Rob-b at 5:54 PM
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