ANGER

So the last couple of days have been so hectic, I just don't know what to do. I go and hang out with my freinds. anytime we go out, I get hit up for sex by someone whome i don't know. I shoot them down, which I admit I have turned into an art. I have used everything from religious belifes as an excuse, to I don't pick up people from the bar...I only meet people outside of the bar due to the fact, I like people to remember my name in the morning, and I don't like having to make breakfast for starangers. lol
I think I am going to avoid the bar for a good while.
on the plus side my freinds and I are working on opening up our own dance club. We are wrestleing with the idea of everyone having 25 percent ownership. which I like. I am going to be in charge of getting the dance floor together. I have some ideas which I am very proud of. Alot of the stuff that I am getting together you don't see really except on the east coast and europe.
my roomate, general noggins. Is proving that his head is really thick and doesn't hold much in the way of volume. which is irritating. cause he is a really sweet man. but, he spends his whole day on the computer. doesn't have a job. sleeps till whenever. doesn't do really much of anything. my cats are more productive.
at least thats how I am seeing it right now. I hope my perseption is wrong and will be corrected shortly.
well that is enough venting for now. ttyls

Interesting night

I have decided I am just fine on my own. I made big steps this evening to remove some of the stress in my life. I feel better. no more heartache, no more dissapointment in myself or someone else. YAY FOR ME!!!! had some worthless player on my case and I chased after it like the fool wanted me to. to invest feelings and thought and consideration...from me. anyone who knows me how much work that takes on my part. oh well i got the wart removed and thats what matters. I will now be working soley on my carrear. I have started my writting. I have taken steps to arrange a meeting with the manager at one of the clubs in town that does comedy to start preforming again. I have also started to work on going on the road as well as a long term goal. YAY FOR ME..again!!
I just hope that no matter what happens I can keep this motivation. been hard as of late supporting a house hold where there is one income and three people. I am very proud of myself for making that work. I am also working on getting my diploma. I have sent for the enrolment paperwork. so that is what is going on in my life.

skits.. revised

So my name is Robbie.
I am 23, I am a flaming heterosexuall.............okay I just wanted to try saying that with a straight face.....oh there I go again. anyway I am a walking fire hazzard I admit it. I grew up in a small town. one of the best educational systems out there to be honest. we turned out 5 professionals a year. They all work in the same garage.
I am a trail blazzer, I have a great hobby of going and breaking famlies in with kids who have just come out of the closet. Yeah they date me for a time I leave we have a rocky realationship..and then the next guy gets the benifits of my hard work....lol I love charity work.
I also, love providing wemon with various clothing assesories. Any one need a guchi purse and pearls. I can go throw up real quick and youll be set.\
sorry guys I can't make leather...I don't eat beef.
someone once told me that I was the perfect guy...GREAT LOOKS....GREAT PERSONALITY!!!
But I was a little to affeminante with them.......at least thats what I think they said we where driving in his car and he had lady gaga turned up so loud I couldn't hear him...needless to say that didn't work out because well. I prefer rob thomas to lady gaga. I loose more men to music I swear.
I recently spent some time down in elko as well. for the fourth of july. did you know it was illegal to light fireworks off in elko county? Neither did I. I was busy lighting off my large amount of rainbow colored explosives...GO FIGURE. some grown 40 year old man came over from clear across the base ball diamond where my freinds and I where shooting these things off. and came over and accused us of catching his blanket on fire. First of all there where others closer to you lighting off there on fireworks. second of all what kind of man comes up and complains about his blanket? Moral of the story don't bring you prada blanket to a fourth of july fire display show.

I work at a call center. I am in what they refer to as the retetion department. or as I like to refer to it as lets see who can get the biggest ass hole on the line department. I get the most idiotic people on my phone too. people who dont pay there bill. complain that we interupted there service.....somehow they assume that sense they insist on paying there bills once every three months, means they should have service the other 8 months out of the year for free.......I mean I am all game with that if that applies to me as well and my service doesn't get interupted BUT IT DOES!!!!
one of these days at work I am going to hold a contest. the contest will consist of everyone putting there customers on speaker phone. I will walk around the call center , the rep with the loudest screech owl on there phone gets an advil and a shot of tequilla.....hey I can't be a sissy all the time. tequilla puts hair on your chest.
am outie for now will write more later

latest updates....

This whole post I think will be a roller coaster. lol
but I really have made such a mess of things as of late I really have no one to talk to.
Speaking of which I need to get back on my meds. lol I miss happy carefree, I don't give a fuck if you don't talk to me. pick up and go, always smiling Robbie.
In the mean time, the things that I was dealing with in prior posts, well they have been laid to rest. I am still struggleing to learn how to budget but I think I am comming to grips with that whole concept. I have gotten back to certian things that have ment alot to me. I have started learning to play the violin. I have started back up on my writting. I have also come to grips that there are certin parts of me, I just can not change. My mannerizims, my up bringing, my past, lol when I look back on some of those things I really have no choice but to smile, as I see just really how little choice I had in some of those things, my resentment twords people from that past has cooled off, I can look at most of those people in the eye and hold a conversation and think in the back of my head thankyou. I have learned that I have no reason and no excuse to change who I am. I gave up my religion, I gave up my family, I have givin up freinds, clothes/ many belongings, and whats worse, parts of myself. lol with the last stint of getting removed from my religion I vowed I would not change. granted over the last few weeks I had a test of will power, I over came that. which in my life that is no small feet to over come that urdge. For those of you who know me, you know that I can cave like no one. I am always changing. be it in mood or in life. I have also learned that, you can't just keep holding on to things. No matter how much good, or bad those things bring to your life. this could be in regaurds to a multitde of things.
I had met a guy recently, a short lived bright light in the dark. as it says in one of the many "Good books" out there, Time and unforseen occurances befall us all. he as hard as it is to admit, because I always find that silver fucking lining. I am going to have to just raise that preverbial glass, up to that wonderful big black night sky and see him as nothing more then a ship in the night. I have decided no more online dating as it only leads to "TROUBLE" and you know what, I really don't need more trouble, I have enough. So as much as I want to try, as much as I want to work, as much as I want to be there, as crummy as I may feel. I am going to have to numb that part of me and do what I always do when it is time for me to pull that whole as I call it "angel in flight" thing I will dissapear. and as anything in regaurds to angels, or demons what ever you(the reader) may belive. I will reappear when needed again.
I lol would normally be crying from writting this. However comma.....I have heard everything in the book as far as reasoning from other people. what they fail to realize I know how to read people. so the excuses that range from I am not ready for a realationship, or I would rip you to shreds, or you are perfect for me, but.... yeah I have heard them ALL BEFORE
The silver lining in this is it just makes it easier. but it is still hard to hear. I don't play games with people...not that way. I have been known all over for cat and mouse. this is true. I do that for my own protection. I am sick of being thrown under the bus. Plus with my upbringing where my mother taught me how to be gaurded, my father taught me to go with first instinct and also how to throw a good first impression. My mother and grandmother taught me the power of a back handed compliment and how to spot one from a mile away so any whore, moving right along. I went to elko this weekend it was fun. had about 200-300 dollars worth of explosives. we where lighting them off in a baseball field and some guy from the other end of the field came all the way over to tell me that we caught his blanket on fire and burned a whole in it. I am sorry but We where not the only ones in the field doing that and to be honest what grown man comes up and complains that his blankey got hurt??? HONESTLY!!!!
so needless to say we didn't light any more of those off.
I have freinds comming up next week. was planning on going camping, however I don't think that is going to work out. I can't find the right music. however I do know that judging my the music he listens to He would love mellissa etheridge, and well I happen to have a bottle of jager. I needed help drinking. but like I said I don't know if that will work out. so I will have red headed sluts by myself. cause I really don't think that I am going to be in the front of the line anytime soon. I will say I do miss that one passing ship.
oh well I am done for now. till we chat again dear readers.
SMOOOCH

btw i took this picture and i love it that all i wanted to say =-p

last christmas

well here i am again,
I have been doing some thinking and you know what.........i don't write enough.
this is something I used to to everyday and for some reason I do not do it anymore.
maybe it is because nothing really ever happens anymore as cause for writting..so lets catch everyone up to speed

i was in a three year realationship.
it was rocky, it was random, and yet mondane.
i wasn't very happy and yet i clung onto that like grim death.
he broke up with me this thanxgiving.
and now I have decided to move on

GO ME!!
I desearve so much more then just ordinary
i should be having extrodanary.
and this time I am not going to settle for less at all.

god help the imbisol that gets in my way.
enough for now i am off to work love yalls
SMOOCh chaio bello

halloween past

Well my lovlies i am back...after 9 mos i feel like i have gestatded and givin birth to new me with new freinds and faces and i am very happy about that.
i have a job have had it for about 3.5 mos and i am loving it
have made several new freinds and all of them are great.still have the old freinds as well but some of them have taken a backseat so to speak some of them its unfourtunate but someof them i am trying to push out of the preverbial car.
have been dating brian for about 8 mos now and things have there ups and downs. but the one thing i have noticed as i am shure all my readers have that when you are single
guys can't be found. when you are dating and in a monogomus realationship THEY ARE OUT OF THE WOODWORK. but i wanted to load some more pictures of last years halloween so you could compare when i load this years

Music

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Pussycat Dolls Lyrics

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Music

CrushSpace.com - You Got Crush On Someone?

Pussycat Dolls Lyrics

Pussycat Dolls Music Video Codes

Free Online Games For MySpace - GameRoll.net

Music Video Codes By VideoRoll

As I Lay me Down To Sleep

It felt like spring time on this february morning...
I do love that song,
My life is taking all sorts of funny twists and turns as of late.
I have been getting to know someone for a year, and thats going well for me, at least I think so.
I don't find myself crawling up the walls as I used to, I even got a chance to meet him in person.
I don't feel like I have burried in the dirt anymore, he means alot to me, and I feel safe even though he is so far away. I can be giddy again for no reason and all the reason I am givin is the fact that I can see his smile in my dreams and I can call him up and he doesn't leave my mind or heart alone he gets information out of me that no one else does and I like that, someone who can rummage around in my head and find things that no one else wants to someone who wants to get to know me without possesiveness and jelousy its very nice
I think I could fall in love with him maybe..
on another note I have to admit that there are two gentlemen that I have been talking to and getting to know, but the realationship that each of us has with eachother is somewhat fuckerd up in ways that I don't know if they are really off set or not, it just feels funny no matter how I look at it, One thinks I am meant to be and the other one I get along better with in the sense that I don't fight with him as much . after tonight however it might be diffrent.
anyways moving right along....
I am sitting here coughing up blood, I have strep thoat, i was in the shower and all of a sudden I spit like an involuntary thing and a clot came up and out of my mouth, I know i shouldn't be saying this but I am taking it as a sign to stop smoking and it scared me cause shit who wants to croak at 20.....
I just wish that Things where going better on the job front, if anyone knew how much I wanted to strangle people when they tell me to grow up and to find work and all the other things that I am lectured on they would stop a few times i have come close to sluggin some people and im not the violent type, oh well nothing 100 miligrams of thorozine can't cure lol.
I have been feeling so down in the dumps lately and today was and is diffrent for some reason i am on such a euphoria/ high spot today I hope it lasts for a long time, and the funny thing is I think it will. never say never or I know and always follow your heart, I have been doing that less and less lately as far as following my heart, I have let the screams and moans of everyday life drown my heart and mind out and I have lost myself in the world. now that I can see it and I can see how fraid my ends of the preverbale rope i am holding are, I am going to TRY to mend them, everyone notices that I say I am going to do things and then never follow thru with them, so I am going to say that I am going to try and leave it at that, and put an honest effort into it, because it isn't for anyone but me to judge and my freinds who are reading this and are going to talk to me about this entry FUCK OFF!!!
you are the partial reason i have gotten lost. the lectures and the conversations and Tellin me what im thinkin and feelin. to those of you who have managed to let me see things from your point of viewi have only one thing to say I am sorry for being such a manipulator and such a crappy person who is cold hearted and empty, but you know what do unto others and I can't be mad at it, cause i was just reaping what I was sowing, but I will TRY to do better, and I don't know why, but those of you who have been turning the tables you might as well know that I am cutting my association with people down to as little as possible, I am tierd of bull shit games drama and nonsense, I can understand somethings and I can grasp life to its fullest as long as i try but for yall to sit and tell me I am to young or I don't know enuf, that is wrong, it is wrong to deny me the chance to try, it is wrong to cheat me out of things cause I wouldn't do it to you, for that I say FUCK you and FUCK IT!!
you can do anything you wish as long as you put your mind to it, that is my problem my mind is never in anything that i do, its always been my heart and for those of you who know me..im not that strong, but how can i ever build up no pun intended if you hide and shelter me.
im not even 20 and I feel like i am being treated like i am in elementry school how dare you make me feel that way. I know I pull some shit, hell i am supposed to, someone has to keep the rest of yall from being in a rut. i wonderd out in the world and you chose to stay in your room. NOT MY FAULT!!
i saw the rain dirty vally, you saw brigadoon, what and who the hell cares we all see and do things that can't be matched, because they all hold diffrent meanings to each and everyone of us in our lives.
I don't care what anyone thinks but me, how many times do I have to tell you people I DON"T CARE!!
the only ones I care about are the ones that look out for me and talk to me instead of at me, the ones that make me part of there worlds, the ones that don't hide me away for a rainy day.
and for those of you who are getting irritated at reading this all i can say is..see that lil X on the top right hand part of the screen hit it cause thats exactly what I want you to do. those of you who can sympathyze and are taking this to heart keep reading, cause i appologize for everything that i have done said caused or influensed for the worse.
sense I have stopped talking to some people life has been so much better and i am grateful for that, i can breathe again.
my wind is back in my sails and I am ready to soar, be it twords poverty or succsess be it to a single set of oving arms or me being single the rest of my life i don't know, I won't say that I don't care cause I do, but its my job to care and I do so there.
support love and respect is all i need and anyone who can't give me that in conjuntion with honesty and trust can eat shit and go to hell
peace out

poems from the night

I see your face and I get lost in its undying grace the silence shatterd once and for all, all you have to do is hear my call. shadows dance upon the wall, and I think of how we once had it all. I look to the mirror to see my face, and for once i can't find it not even a trace, the mirror it shatters the memory falls. dreams they die, and people change. i wake up from the illusonary sleep, tears fill my eyes I think that ive died, where are you now what are you doing these are the thoughts from the shadows I keep.