Bowling....And saying the Wrong things

You know I have Finnaly realized that I am not so smooth when it comes to words. I was trying to ask a friend out on a Platonic type meeting and I said date, does anyone see the problem with this??
I mean graunted Yeah he is really cute and I have wanted to ask him out on one of those for a really long time, but I really don't know how that slipped out, I am in no position to be dateing anyone. I feel really bad too cause on top of me saying that...he is seeing someone soooooo yeahh I feel like last years thanksgiving turkey, sitting in the fridge talking to this years....
yeah not such a pretty picture is it?
Im going to take just a moment to dicuss my frustration, kinda like wallowing in self pitty only a lil bit angryr and alot more productive cause then I can sleep tonight and the few people that read this...can just brush it off and say oh well.....like normal....
I am single, true I am fucked up in so many ways that makes it not funny but you know what I am fuckin working on it, why can't I even snag a simple date I'm not asking for sex or love I'm just asking for someone to get to know, someone to just get to know, talk to, laugh with, and maybe when I'm not such a walking psyc ward maybe even fall in love with, someone to bring the scraps that make up this tatterd soul to, someone to bring something to, like the songs ive shouted to heavan or the secrets that I have kept in the box at in my room, the words that fill those peices of paper, the day dreams I have left on the shore of life, Because there would be magick in all that he did, he would complement me and complete me all at the same time, he would have the trust that I promised never to give out to anyone, and the key that fits no lock on any door.
as it is, I manage to get asked for sex most the time, which btw is degrading if yall ever heard some of the ways I have been asked, or treated for that matter, not that any of my freinds or gay family has ever done that cause they havn't but just other people who don't know me, that in itself is amazing I don't know how anyone could have sex on a first date not that I myself havn't done that cause I have, and i feel like shit after words.
I am sick of being the one that is told that he can have his pick of men.
I can't have the pick of men that I want, because the pick of men that I want doesn't exist, there isn't anyone out there that is willing to get to know me, willing to see my ugly side, willing to see my funny emotional side, willing to get to know my quirks there just isn't anyone out there and I am sick of thinking that there is, but I can't stop that thinking because the moment I do...I will never find anything and I will be single for the rest of my life..not the end result that I want.
anyway enuf of that moving right along.......................
I need to get off this thing ill talk to yall later
chaio bello

An ode to the mind and heart...Continued

Ok, so my day is going a little bit better, I have this freind in portland who I talked to for a bit, and for some odd reason, I mean no I have never met him, but I have been talking to him for almost a year and he always makes me feel better, he will call me once in a while and its just nice to hear a freindly voice on the other line everyone tells me I have a freindly voice and that they like talking to me, but I very rarely ever think of things like that untill today, all my freinds are at work and I just thought of him I used a calling card of mine and I called him up and it was an instant smile, I was so grateful, anyway I was thinking about it and I think that is another qualitiy I would like in the person I end up with, they can piss me off, if I don't allow it..it will happen anyways but I mean just as long as they can make me smile, at the drop of a hat and let me know that its all going to be ok then That is a good thing..right?
I just don't know at times, do I need to tame my spirit in order to be happy?
am I going to just have to accept the fact that any realationship that I have from now to then, is going to be nothing but a seris of flashes in a pan untill I find THE ONE?
Will I always find myself bored even when I have someone?
is there anyone out there who can make me more then I can be in a sense?
anyway I don't know the answers and I might not ever know but the fact that I am asking I think is a good step in whatever direction i am going

An ode to the mind and heart

I am sitting here, In A place that will be unnamed, for I have found solace once again in a place between shadow and truth, I don't know what it is, I love the autumm, but winter is here and it has been my experiance with life that nothing good but cold weather and cold hearts come from the snow that falls to the ground.
I have been fighting with my freinds sense last sunday, and I am sick of it, I go over to the house to "talk" things out but all he can do is make people uncoumfterble and make a complete ass of himself in silence.
I cooked dinner the other night and he didn't eat it, that didn't bother me, I would have rather had more to eat then have a lack of food on the table. But what is really irritating me is the fact that he said that he wanted to talk now I have made the effort to be around the house just in case he would want to open up and tell me what I am doing wrong in order to make amends, but a little voice inside my head is telling me that, isn't going to happen, I think I just need to leave like a true gentlemen would and say my goodbyes, But I have so much I want to say and so much that I need to say weather it is nice or not that part I don't know cause with this person that I am dealing with, things can be taken so many ways.
and yet another voice is saying don't give up, cause somewhere there is a place for reasoning, and that I am worring to much. I just don't know what voice to listen to. SO many people have come into my life and I know that they have come in to it for a reason, Fred came into my life and I have found out that Love between freinds is almost as rewarding as a realationship because without that love, you wouldn't be able to find love in yourself or in someone else, Mike came into my life to show me that patience, and temperance, and above all time and understanding can make you into a diffrent person, one for the better. steve has shown me that even in the most stillest of waters, depth is always there, even if they appear shallow.
Ben, ben has shown me kindness, and what light can come from it, without it I am shure I would have fallen flat on my face by now.
there are a few other people that I know and do love, but I think that they are in my life to show me that I can't have all the things in life that I want, and I accept that. because there is always more then one way to have someone in your life, so Justin, Bill, and a few others despite what yall might think you are all in this big gay family of mine...its so nice having big brothers that will look out for you, even I have to admit that much.
I don't know why but I have felt compeld to go and do something crazy, I don't know what but normally when I get that feeling, I can't be found anyplace but in thought, I just I don'tknow if meloncoly is the word for it but I am very BLAH. I think that is because I went and got waisted last night, for the simple fact it was the only way I could stop living out the fighting and silence in my head that where lived out just hours before.
I am so sick of fighting and I promised myself that I wouldn't do it anymore that I would kill em with kindness in a sense but its easier said then done cause in all honesty the irish guy sittin on my shoulder wants me to hit the next person that gives me the silent treatment or the next one that hits me. the later part of that last statement is enevadable, my parents taught me how to fight and if a physical fight is what someone wants with me and they start it then they are shure as shootin gonna get it.
And I know fighting is I guess wrong in some peoples eyes I know I don't like it but shit, don't hit a homo or anyone else for that matter plain and simple.
just the words to my heartbreak lullaby or at least some of the words, anyway ill write more today when i get the chance, I am going to go and clean so my freind ben and I can spend some time together tommorow. lord knows He could use a break