Before I Fall In Love

My heart, says we got something can I trust the way i feel, cause my heart has been fooled before, am I justseeing what I want to see, or is it true could you be someone to have and hold with all my heart and soul, I need to know before I fall in love, someone who stays around thru all my ups and downs please tell me now before I fall in love.....
I'm att he point of no return so affraid of getting burned but i want to take a chance oh please give me a reason to belive, say your the one that youll always be someone to have and hold, with all my heart and soul I need to know before I fall in love, someone who stays around thru all my ups and downs please tell me now before I fall in love, its been so hard for me to give my heart away but I would give my everything just to hear you say that you are that someone to have and hold with all my heart and soul I need to know before I fall in love, someone who stays around thru all my ups and down, please tell me now before I fall..In love.....

Now that isn't something I wrote, that song is by miss mandy moore.

but I am going to for shure, play this as a huge signal to the guy that wins my heart, kinda like a huge push in the right direction lol, cause I mean guys these days I am finding oout are really THICK HEADED.
I don't know, yeah this time I am going to think twice and three times about dateing, cause I mean lets face it I have had ALOT of FLINGS in my past, and A few BAD BOY FREINDS, lol
but I don't know, Im such a fickle, daydreamer that is so damm ditzy at times that it pisses me off at me sometimes. cause I think of all the things I want to do or say, and show to people that I am interested in and I get all worked up and then come to find out I have overwhelmed them or maybe even givin out the wrong impression, and thats not the message I want or should be conveying to anyone. I am just so affraid that I am going to be the one that is going to have a hard time saying that I am in love with someone, affraid of the cleshae, with the commitee in my head saying GET A GRIP ROBBIE!!!
and then having me run away from the right guy,
you know the scenario, o i love you robbie, NO CHANCE NO WAY, YOUR WAY OFF BASE!!!
the scene won't play and me miss out!!
lol and then have all my freinds be on my case cause im not admiting to it, when in my head ill be saying yeah..I am in love.
its so esy for me to relay emotion at times, but Im getting sick of doing it, its either my mind leading me into something, or worse yet my heart, DAMM the heart is a terrible thing at times, its so bold so free and so untammed, but I need to fit it for shakels at times i think, Yeah I am happy with me, I am making strides everyday to become better and better in my own mind and my self esteem is getting up there but shit, what is going to happen? does anyone really know, no w I am rambeling but its ok cause thisthing to anyone or any type of situation so I can't get in trouble for it hehehe, I know you, I danced with you once upon a dream, The gleam in your eyes is familiar to me and I know its true the Visions I seldom all but see, I know what youll do youll love me at once the way you did once upon a dream lol I am so pathetic lol A hopeless romantic trying to change into a hopefull one what a sad state i am in lol SOS

Pictures

Starting Anew

So I am Sitting here Thinking about where I want to go with my life and what I want in my life, and Maybe even the type of influences I want there in.
kinda deep for me, I know; But I have to Start doing this,
The last week or so have been extreamly peaceful, and stress free almost to the point where I could say that I had no stress what so ever, but alass the stress I did have was at least managable, I went back to B.S.U to see about working for this rush, and I didn't hear anything today and I won't be expecting to hear anything back till monday so I am praying that they will take me back this time around, I mean after all we did part on good terms.
As far as my short term goals I have but two, a job, and my G.E.D now most of the people reading this will either have one of two view points and I am going to say this I answer to no one anymore but to god in the fact thta what I do is my buisness and what others have to say about me is none of my buisness. But for the people reading this I know for the most part so I can tell you. 4 years without a G.E.D is fine and dandy it shows me that I can get by on Flippin burgers for 3 months while im learning how to pass the math test and then once I have that lil peice of paper I am going to unstoppable but the Job cannot wait, I mean even if this B.S.U thing goes thru which I am hopping it does.... I will still need to plan for the future just in case, no there isn't room for failure in my plan but failur in the human society is ineveitable at certian spots in life so im keeping my basis coverd. but moving on with long term goals... I am going to stop smokeing part of that is getting rid of the factors that raise my stress level so high that I feel that if i don't get a smoke.. Ill go postal now call me crazy but people do influence small things like that I mean seriously if I where a tobacco advertizer I would play that angle like no other can't you see it: Marlbro for those times when your beer and music won't drown out your inlaws or freinds harping on you" You would really and I mean really sell alot. but another long term goal of mine is becomeing finnacially stable, that being where I am out of debt with at least my bank lol so that goal is only what 500 dollars away so I think that I am half way there, I owe the hospital like 1800 for my small visit to the st. lukes medical emergency room when I had staph infection and you know call me crazy I asked to get better not for a bill (lol) But I want a place of my own so bad, I want to be able to go in the corner of MY room and curl up and cry or laugh or do whatever the fuck I want to do and not worry about anything, I want to be able to have my freinds over, I want to be able to have a safe place to go to, the small things like being able to by the uglyisy peice of crap that i can find and put it on my coffee table and say its mine I bought it and Its going to stay there cause I think it looks good. another goal of mine is college, I want to be a criminal psycologyst, kinda like a profiler without the gun lol, but uh last but not least by any means in my book I want to fall in love, and I realize that Im never ever going to find it if I don't take care of myself and be happy with who I am, I am not happy with myself some of my freinds bring me down and make me feel so limited, I feel useless and unhappy, and that is going to change, I am going to be own sunshine after the rain, cause aint nobody going to help me outa this, but me, its like the song says Im not going to wait for prince charming to rescue me, I can do it all by myself. I need to stop living in the past and start living in the now, because the past is where I went wrong, I chose some of the people I hang out with, graunted that circumstances have brought us together and that some of them have become so close to me that they are always going to be in my life, but I have a new rule, anyone who is going to look at me in the face and not show me any respect or at least some form of dignity or tell me my line of thinking is wrong because there way is so much better...I have no room for them in my life, If they can't see that I am doing my best and thats all I can do and that even I the Massive ball of energy that I am occasionally gets emotionally tierd or even physically tierd at that, then they have no place in my life, No More DRAMA, NO MORE JELOUSY, NO MORE SHIT, I WANT REALITY, I want freinds who are going to support me, and when I say support I mean let me have a shoulder to lean on not a set of lips to listen to, If I want advice I'll ask for it. The people who can't give me compassion, love and respect have no place in my life, so show yourselves to the door. anybody who is left make yourself comfy and lets party hardy.
The reason I am saying all this is for a few reasons, the other day like on sunday of last week and I say last week cause tommorow is sunday, but I was misserable, I felt like crying but with someone who is bi polar it is hard to cry unless you throw your emotions into hyperdrive and make yourself cry thus leaving you tierd and just BLAH!!
I had been arguing for almost a whole evening, cause one of my freinds decided to put up an illusion of who he is in fron t of a guy, shit I don't know if it is an illusion or not so don't quote me on that cause I really didn't stick around to find out, but what really got my goat is that fact that I have a few freinds and they all feed off eachother well most of em do, some of em don't get along cause they let there feelings and belifes get in the way of being freinds, and thats not how freinds are supposed to act as a whole. its just not if you knew these people the way I do you would understand. If these people could only know to the fullest what my freinds mean to me, when I am away from home they are just like my family heartache and all, but there is a fine line.
I Have my faults to, Like I am always procrastionating, well that is going to change no more holding this change off, I am going to shed away some of my quirks and I am going to become the person I once was, someone who would go thru the rain in bare feet if a freind was in trouble someone who shared kindness instead of sarcazim and somone who loved with all his heart, without hesitateing.
I am going to leave you with this thought, Im not mad at anyone or anything, Ive been doing that for a while now and now its time to pull up my pants and clean up my mess. and eventually go home to a house full or warmth and love. I hold out for the one that I know is out there and I encourage all who are reading this to do the same because if you settle you will never be happy.
Much Love~ Robbie