Time To Let Go

I have made A very Importand Desision, Im going to give up Modeling, They terminated my contract a year ago and I don't have the money to hire a photgrapher and to go to the classes I need to in order to continure with this endevour, It will be hard to see a dream temporarily die but, its what I need to do.
This is a job that requires you to be able to let the job feed off of you, it isn't a job that you sit back on and feed off the job, you have to work your ass off in order to even get your foot in the door, ill always be able to get in cause Well, I made it thru alot of auditions in order to get my name, and rep as being a young and capable and willing actor and model, i am known and I guess all i am doing is taking my leave of absense, So when the lady from whillimena calls me today i am going to tell her no.
there are alot of things I have thought about the last few days, been kinda sad cause I havn't been going about life the wrong way but it hasn't been the best way. I take things so personall and I take them straight to the heart and I can't do that anymore, My health is slowly going because of it, the Crones is going to get me later on if I don't learn how to controll my emotions and I know that thats what My meds are for, Its just stress plays a factor in it as well. I dont' know, I lead a simple life, but so many complicated things come my way, and instead of appreciating them I freak out. I need to come to learn how to appreciate these complications and take them in strides.
anyways, I am going thru a detox diet....YEAH: needless to say I am living very close to the bathroom.now that I have had a jewish family moment lol, I am going to say that I am not racist by anymeans , and that I am under aton of stress right now.....on the pluse side THere is a good chance of me getting a job in meridian, for those of you who don't know where that is, its between boise and nampa going twords portland. anyways its as a life gaurd so its a good way for me to get into shape and to stay healthy if you get muh drift. Ive also applied at a jacksons...yippie skippie!!
anyway There is alot on my mind which i can't put down on screen because well it wouldn't be appropriate, espechially to one person in particular. anyway i am outie i don't know if i am going to be able to update on thursday-monday, im going to my parents house so you know how that goes. anyway peace out

untiteld

this day has been so blank that its not even funny, can anyone tell me why men are such pigs??
I mean I realize that there a few exceptions to the rule that I know, but I mean i went out to dinner with a few freinds and one of them brought a date with them, and at the end of dinner the date asked me if i wanted to go to his place after he dropped off my freind!!
Anyone care to explain this to me. I mean I know that if it was me.....with the date i would be stuck on that date like glue!!
I mean I had Grant out here and Lemme tell you...I didn't let him outa my side, I mean if you go out on a date, your there for them not to pick up other people.
it ticked me off
anyway I am getting ready for bed Havn't heard from grant all day, I hope he had a good day.
and thankyou ben for yesterday nights conversation it helpd alot!
(SNAPS FOR BEN)
anyway my dears,
i am off to bed.
anyway Grant if your reading this sorry i didn't get a chance to talk to you today ill call you tommorow or ill hit you up on yahoo

Tuesdays child is FULL of face

Woke up this morning, and got ready for my interview,
went in full modeling wear, suit,tie makeup..god what a hassell for about 30 minutes of diplomatic compromising and talking about schooling and pricing.
Iknow you have to spend money to make money, but the lady wanted 500 down and 485.50 30 days after, I got her down to a monthly plan THANK GOD!!
anyway I need to call the BBB and see if this place has had any complaints,
but she did tell me that the guys in boise Rarely ever get signd on as anything cause they are normaly too homely to go into modeling...she thought I should sign a contract right then and there. I told her to give me till friday, I am not going to be takin for a fool.
in the printwork part of modeling with this place she claims that it pays 250 for a 2 hour minimum and 400 for 4 hrs and so on, so i mean its a good pay scale they get 15% off me.
I called my mom to tell her how it went and we had it out, she had it in her head i guess that I was moving to new york sense the company is based in NY, LIKE I AM GOING TO MOVE TO A PERFECTLY STRANGE place without going there to visit first lol besides that my heart is in portland and boise, why go someplace that has no meaning??
Then I called my dad, we also had it out cause I had upset my mother, god DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA.
I called Grant and he helped me regain my cool thankgod.
he even offerd to talk to my parents, about a few things, like how they think i am takin advantage of them, going home when i am sick and calling when i need my meds, i mean yeah i only go home when i am sick, but I call all the time when My mind and time alows which is often.
and my god if i don't call them they call me!!
yeah I am taking advantage of them, I am taking advantage of the fact that I know i can get well when i go home, of the fact that I can reprioritise my life when i go home. I can do everything from home except live it out. Thats why I don't go home!!
but the fact that he offerd was sweet, I wish he could have seen the smile i had on my face it was funny, funny in the sense of awww don't mess with my mom for you are small and taste good with katchup funny!!
it was the first time someone has offerd to go to bat for me like that, and i don't know why he did that, maybe he thinks I can't do it on my own, maybe he wants to show me something, We won't know, atleast not today cause I handled it myself.
I told my mom that Its not that I am not wanting to take advantage of them its just I want to lead my own life without them trying to take the steering wheel away from me all the time.
that I love her and that I am going to start standing up for myself, even if it means standing up to her and dad.
I can't be put underfoot anymore and I refuse to.
I won't go under again.
speaking of which that is a good song...going under that is.
anyway ill write more when i have more to write.
ill talk to you later
chaio bello~

2 days in retrospect

5/16

I woke up so late today 3:00 (OMG) watched the Nanny and about mid way thru the golden girls I decided to hop in the shower and start my day, after that fred(my roomate) and I decided to go bowling with some good freinds of ours, being as it was a birthday for one of them. but they wanted to go out and eat first and we didn't want to wait around to go, needless to say we got there and waited cause i didn't want to start bowling without them. but on a side note my dearest reader/ journal keep in mind please that I am not writting this for you, I am doing the writting for me, and sometimes you may read something that you don't agree with, just because you don't like what you read doesn't mean you have to take it laying down if you have a thought post it at the bottom of the journal or shit if you have my number call my ass up and tell me about it!! and with out further adue, on the way to the ally...I started reflecting, ALOT. I was up alot last night, I had a really bad feeling about grant, SO SO SO worried, lol I thought he was in trouble or something cause THIS IS A PERSON WHO 98% Of the time Answers his phone even if he can't talk, he will tell you so!! anyway he called a lil later and come to find out he had the phone on silent instead of vibrate or something like that and forgot about it...needless to say I worried for nothing, we talked for about 15 min and I went right to sleep. For some Odd reason, And I know this sounds weird, but I feel so alive now, now that I have something that is worth caring about and not pursuing but just being there for him when he needs me and visa versa, its amazing what dedication that can instill in someone, I wonder what an actually healthy realationshiop feels like? and on that note I will say not being able to see him and yet feeling so close to him is making me go out of my mind. Anyway He called during the Nanny, just as soon as I txtd him, he started a new job and is havinga great day so far. I am So grateful that he is having a good day, with all the emotional stress and the daily factors that he deals with MY GOD ITS ABOUT TIME!! Its funny cause I mean I see him as something constant and I am always seeing him in a new light, just as I know he see's me in a diffrent light with each day that goes by. I have always and I mean ALWAYS even before we met, I have seen him as someone so much stronger then me, intelectually, and yes emotional in some area's BUT I see him as weak as well, not weak in the sense that he can't manage by himself but weak in the way that only i can understand in my own mind and I really can't put onto paper or screen, cause its hard but I shall try, in fact as this journal goes on you shall see what i mean. He talks to me about alot, and he trusts me with so much info, Hevan help me if I ever Loose that trust. because he is constant in my life andhe is the only thing right now in my life that is constant, even you to you who are reading this, you have to admit we don't talk outside of email we never see eachother and we the times we do talk on the phone it is so short that it pisses me off lol i am tempted to change the URL on this thing so you can't see it anymore. but anyway I called my mom today, she didn't answer the phone, my aunt was supposed to come into town sometime during the weekend cause my dad/her parents didn't have time for her till later on in the week, i don't know the details but all i know is that my mom and her don't get along cause one end of the family being the shaw side, my dad and his sisters and parents are veign, they are rich snobs and when i say rich, i am talking about people who have the abbility to help me thru a good part of schooling and i am talking law school and they are so tight about it if you were to shove a peice of coal up there ass a dimond would pop out. but they look down on my side of the family cause we are kind and we don't worry so much about looks, yeah we look ok,but i mean its not our priority, our priority is the family/ the kids, education things like that, not material things. yeah my parents live in a comfterble home yeah i am a trust fund baby, but i mean these people are monsters at times, i mean I feel like I have to help my mom walk backwords out of a room at times cause of the daggers. anyway I wonder which of them Made it thru the night?? anyway My game sucked, 61 average, oh well im just gonna lie and say that I was good at bowling at one point in my life but i gave it up for sex cause the balls can still be big but are considerably smaller still and i don't have to change shoes lol. its 8:30 on the 15th still, and grant is due to call and the song ADDICTED is playing on the radio.(how Apprapo) I really hope he callshe might not know it, but I highly doubt it, I MISS him dearly, his warm smile, his compassion, his kind word and his sweet sweet presence. he knows me inside out and I am not going to admit it, lol which I guess I just did, and I know him But not enuf..because what is enuf when you are freinds or lovers? you are always changing views and angles just like a photoagrapher taking his time, to capture the best moment in time, so that true beauty can be frozen and rememberd. I get so worried about him however, he doesn't realize it, but he is so vulnerable in a way that is hard to get to but it is still vulnerability, he thinks that he can shut off emotion just as one flicks a switch to cause darkness to sleep. he goes around with blinders on, the people he hangs out with are great people, but at the same time he cares so much, (one thing I admire about him) but he stress's and he gets his feelings hurt, and he never cries..... maybe thats how we can talk about anything and everything, maybe its his way of substitueing, maybe its way of letting me get close, maybe its his way of getting close, so many maybe's But whatever the reason maybe it feels so good to be something contant in someones life, just as the moon hanging in the sky. I have a buisness meeting tommorow, with a rep from whillimina modleing agency; I am so excited about this I have such a good feeling about this, it blends in nicely with everything else right now in my life. I hope Tommorow is as good as today. Grant called, and just as I knew it would, he had a good day, as good as a first day can go. Ill talk to you tommorow my lovelies chaio bello~

Video code provided by Music Video Codes

I had Some time on my hands

So I had some time on my hands so I decided to update the blog, and tell yall what has been going on and how it has effected me personally, so before you start thinking WHAT THE FUCK AM I READING THIS, I THOUGHT THIS WAS A NEWS UPDATE ON WORLD AFFARIS......This is world affairs, MY WORLD SO SIT DOWN SHUT UP AND READ!!

Grant Came to Come and Visit me
And needless to say Yeah, I do Like him, And We are just freinds, He has taught, and Reminded me Of alot of important Factors that My life had lost somehow. Number One, that patience is a virture, and that I have the Abbility to make something of myself in a meaning effective way as long as I apply myself. That and that I need to beware of personall space a lil more often, as well as I read people, its a gift that I don't use that often, so Im going to start hitting the on switch a lil more often.
he also reminded me that No matter who or how close your freinds are, its up to you to keep them in check when it comes to your life, that and keep onto your friends.
and to no matter what keep faith in yourself, and have healthy goals and dreams.

Your Rising Sign is Aquarius

You are an interesting mix of introspective and outlandish. Waving your freak flag high, you really do things your own way. While you may seem distant, you care very deeply for humanity. You just have no tolerance for fools, slackers, or dullards. And while you're fairly misanthropic, many are drawn to you. Innovative and clever, people look to you for new ideas and trends.

What is Your Rising Sign?

Cancer - Your Love Profile Your positive traits: You're intuitive enough to know what's going wrong in a relationship early on A total sweetheart - you're often the most caring person anyone knows You are a generous and devoted parter to whoever you fall in love with Your negative traits: Insecurity - you tend to need a huge amount of comforting from your partner You tend to be overly sensitive and easily hurt, which make loving you difficult It's difficult to predict your moods. One minute you're up - the next you're down. Your ideal partner: Someone equally sensitive, who wants to take time to get to know you deeply Dreams of an everlasting love - complete with marriage and a family Loves to take care of you. Being a good cook and masseuse doesn't hurt! Your dating style: Slow. You enjoy dates that last all day, with plenty of time to talk and get to know one another. Your seduction style: Quite tender and loving, once you are comfortable in your relationship. Coy. You tend to play it cool to drive your lover wild. Orally talented - you're known as the best kisser in the zodiac. Tips for the future: Be a little less sensitive. Not every little mistake should hurt you. Spend time away from your partner every so often - independence is a good thing. Find ways to take care of yourself. You'll be happier if you put yourself first. Best place to meet someone online: eHarmony - you'll be able to take the time to get to know each potential match well Best color to attract mate: Aqua Best day for a date: Wednesday Get your free love profile at Blogthings.

Your #1 Match: ENFP

The Inspirer You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends. You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules. Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives. You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're qutie the storyteller! You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

Your #2 Match: ENTP

The Visionary You are charming, outgoing, friendly. You make a good first impression. You possess good negotiating skills and can convince anyone of anything. Happy to be the center of attention, you love to tell stories and show off. You're very clever, but not disciplined enough to do well in structured environments. You would make a great entrpreneur, marketing executive, or actor.

Your #3 Match: ENFJ

The Giver You strive to maintain harmony in relationships, and usually succeed. Articulate and enthusiastic, you are good at making personal connections. Sometimes you idealize relationships too much - and end up being let down. You find the most energy and comfort in social situations ... where you shine. You would make a good writer, human resources director, or psychologist.

Your #4 Match: ENTJ

The Executive You are a natural leader - with confidence and strength that inspires others. Driven to succeed, you are always looking for ways to gain, power, knowledge, and expertise. Sometimes you aren't the most considerate person, especially to those who are a bit slow. You are not easily intimidated - and you have a commanding, awe-inspiring presence. You would make a great CEO, entrepreneur, or consultant.

Your #5 Match: ESFP

The Performer You are a natural performer and happiest when you're entertaining others. A great friend, you are generous, fun-loving and optimistic. You love to laugh - and you like almost all people equally. You accept life as it is, and you do your best to make each day fantastic. You would make a good actor, designer, or counselor.

What's Your Personality Type?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Seduction Style: Siren / Rake

You possess an unbridled sensuality that appeals to many. The minute you meet anyone, you can make the crave you almost immediately. You give others the chance to lose control with you... spiraling into carnal bliss. A dangerous lover, you both fascinate and scare those you attract.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Fallen Angels

It has come to my attention that I need to Up DATE THIS THING!!
So that is what I am doing...NO I AM NOT IN ANYWAY SHAPE OR FORM CONTURING MY WRITTING TO IMPRESS ANYONE...GRANT!!!
lol there that is one question that I can ellimanate right off the bat.
anyway Everyone I would like to Introduce you to someone.....Grant, Everyone, Everyone..Grant.
Now that that is takin care of. let us talk about Grant.
I found Him On THE VICE OF CHOICE!!!
Besides choclete
anyways, I will admit, It started out as a small game in my mind, you know the normal..Ill talk to him and get to know him and get a friend, but I really never expected anything. hey with my luck you learn not to count your chickens before they hatch. But As we talked very quickly I realized that there was more that I wasn't seeing. More that I wanted to find out, and I have found out that as much as I have said it in the past and had it mean nothing in my heart as well in real life, but yet again and this time for certian, there is someone out there besides the few of you reading this who I have gotten to know but that there is someone willing to work with me, to ask questions, to break down my walls, willing to talk to me, to calm me down in the middle of the night cause I am in a normal spot of trouble, but he makes the effort to put himself in my shoes part of the way if not all the way to understand and comfort me, for that alone no matter what I am forever endebuted, He is comming to Boise on monday, a day from tommorow technically tuesday because of the time, but I am welcomming him into my life with open arms and if anyone from Boise is reading this, go get stuffed. if you don't know what that means go and watch ARE YOU BEING SERVED?
its a sad thing that I have to say that but I feel it a must because as much as I want to say that I love you all, that only applies to a part of the boise crowd, i am sick of hearing from so many people that I have vanished from the scene in to some god awful state today i heard at the mall THE MALL OF ALL PLACES that I was in Seattle WHATS UP WITH THAT?
I am all over down town LOL, If youwant me gone just say something, lol id gladly leave your sorry ass's and never look back.
anyway back to grant...........Ummmm he is very intelectuall, and yet he is trying to use his emotions witch as much as he wants to hide it, he has all but forgotten how to use them, I can tell he is a lil rusty with them, but when it comes to me he warms right up. anyway I have a few other oppinions and idea's about master Grant, like him being I think prolly the last one for me in that long list of men that this journal is dedicated to in a sick way but in a very centimental way in my eyes. you see without them I wouldn't have been able to grow and age this nicely, and belive me i have aged sense when I first came out of the closet, I mean When I came out I had a Boyfreind Right off the batt, and another one and another one, then all of a sudden I was left to contend with my cold dark self, yes I will admit there is a shadow left, but at least there is sun to make a shadow. and No grant isn't the preverbial sun however he does make a nice assesory, but no I have found out that I don't need anyone, BUT I DO WANT SOMEONE.
and for once in my short life I feel like I am going to safe. within myself and with Grant. Oh did I mention that I liked Grant. I could have used the other word but love comes with time. I do love his as a friend, He is one of the closest persons To me in my life right now and I would trust him with my life. I just hope that when the time comes I can be there for him as he has been there for me this last few weeks. its amazing how time Flies. thankyou Bois for the help in getting here. But Now is the time for absolution, I am letting you go and not looking back. I don't owe myself anymore unhappy endings or sleepless nights or tear staind pillows. NO one else to blame, I just would like to wish you the best of luck in all that you do, cause I am taking it all back all the energy and time and laying it all of it at someone elses mercy and I hope to god that this works. cause all of a sudden I feel like I can fly again, I am no longer Broken in a sense.
well my lovelies and GRANT~ Chaio Bello